EVERY PIECE OF EVERYTHING

 I am walking along a path somewhere in the wilderness. I’m alone at first but then I feel someone’s presence, someone who vanished from my life.

I think about all the people I have met and loved, yet there was nothing as intense, as omni-powerful as the connection of which I speak.

Sometimes I wonder if some people are meant to only visit us once in our lives, because what they hold in their hands, their offering, is so sacred, so special that the moments of time, find it unbearable to hold onto them – to grasp them in their wholeness.

So, I am on this walk and I have that feeling in my gut and I come around a bend and there he is, that person who vanished from this earth we walk upon and for whom I have waited to pass to the other side, so he can visit me in my dreams.

But this is not a dream. This is not a hologram. This is not an illusion. This is him. This is what I have been waiting for, hoping for because I really never got to say a proper goodbye. I wasn’t there to kiss his forehead or wrap his hand in mine, our fingers entwined like when they grasp the wires of a fence that you have to climb.

He looks at me and smiles. He does not speak but his expression, gestures say, “I’ve missed you and although I can’t return often, or in any full form, I wanted to come back for a few moments and tell you that I loved you and that love I have carried with me wherever I have since gone.”

I want to tell him how I have struggled and how for me, nothing comes easy because I overthink, overdo and overexert. I want to tell him that the love and friendship and bond between us has never faded but it has also left me alone because nothing and no one can surpass that level of souls mating.

The spark has returned to his eyes. I know that when someone goes, that spark goes out, the eyes are empty, the soul has taken off on a new, different journey to a place I have yet to go. I know that everyone and everything that I hold dear, will eventually lose that spark as well. But for now, he is standing in front of me and I move toward him with the great hope that I can feel him, hug him, kiss him and hold him close.

I walk slowly, as if the ground below me may crack at any moment and take him away from me again.  I reach him and we join hands and I feel his warmth, I feel the connection I have missed so very much. 

He gently places his arms around me and I feel his love, his entire being, melt into mine. He pulls away for a moment while looking deeply into my eyes. He smiles, he touches my cheek and then he kisses my lips. 

I feel an aura coming on, it’s like a panic attack, it’s like the inevitable truth is grasping me by the arms and tearing me away from him.

He starts to fade and there isn’t anything I can do about it except tell him I love him, I miss him and I hope he will return to the other side, every now and then to remind me of what it feels like to be alive; of what it feels like to love someone like no other.

I want to walk in the direction from whence he came but I know that would lead me to nowhere, so I turn around and continue my journey through the wilderness. The sun sets and the colours appear in hues of orange and purple and the stars find their partners and dance with them upon the sky. They hold onto each other, shine and twinkle; a lighthouse for one another, so they can always find their way home.

Then, they start to fall, one at a time. They fall so quickly that the sky empties except for two stars that continue in a never-ending waltz. I know those stars are ours and together we will dance, we will join as one when we meet again, coming around the bend.

And when silently, blissfully I will whisper in your ear, “You are every piece of everything to me”.