Life is Your Story

I’ve watched love walk out the door And watched it march right back in again I’ve mourned the loss of love Wondering where things went wrong Knowing when things stopped being right Sometimes I imagine there is someone on their way to me They missed their flight or they are sitting on a bench in the pouring rain waiting for a bus. They are somewhere in the stillness, in the in-between, the this and that, the here and there. Sometimes you are with someone They share your home They share your bed They play an integral role in your life But you feel completely alone You wonder how much longer you can stay And what would happen if you left Alone in love or no love at all                                               Photo by Luis Alfonso Orellana If you’ve been in love You know that sweet spot When everything is off the charts Intertwined with a lover Kissing in the dark Your soul in the light Feasting on one another Leav

I did not expect to be single at this stage of life but I have found a way around it and highly recommend it to anyone in my position. Don’t get me wrong – being alone mid-life is not an easy pill to swallow. Many deep thoughts have traversed through my slightly tangled and wondrous mind:  Maybe I should have stopped after the fifth tattoo. Maybe baseball caps should no longer be a permanent fixture in my vast and glorious wardrobe.  Maybe I should have listened to my mother and married that accountant. Maybe I should have ditched my graphic T's and button fly Levis for a dress - although there would be no real point to that (other than giving my mother a sliver of hope) because I would still be wearing my Levis under the dress. Yep I was digging real deep until one miraculous Saturday - I met Netflix and we started dating. We didn’t meet on Tinder or Bumble – there were no swipes or hook ups or need for geo tracking. Nope none of that - for just $10 - I foun

First of all, I am not 18 or even close. I am 50 "something" but  when i was 17 - going down south meant going to Florida and when I was 18 going down south meant.....never mind. And now? Well now it means my entire body is going down south and I am pretty sure I am slowly shrinking (which is disturbing given I am only 5'1" and I don't believe in "hemming" jeans however I do believe in taking a pair of scissors and cutting them crooked). I use to look in the mirror and the reflection was average to good. Now I look in the mirror and hear my late, great, grandma Mary saying "OYE" (which is Yiddish for "Oye"). Do you want to hear the truth? Sure you do - here it is... You look in the mirror. If you gained weight - you will look heavier. If you lost weight - you will look thinner. If you rarely sleep, you will have bags under your eyes. If you took too much sun you will have lines and freckles on your face. If you have s

Since you left I have been crashing into furniture in the dark I have been waiting to feel something for someone else I've re -examined the whole thing Taken it apart piece by piece Argued to the left Argued to the right I'm afraid to go to the places we use to hang out Afraid I may see you - Afraid I may not see you I come home at the end of the day hoping you will be here hoping you've changed your mind about me about us about everything I pray for amnesia to dull the pain I fear that without you there is no me I lay awake at night Waiting to hear your key in the door Waiting for you to come back and tell me that everything is alright that  you never stopped loving me and you will never leave again I need to see you I need to hear you speak my name And I promise you this...  I will wait here A few more moments And if you do not show up As difficult as it may be I will wait here forever I'm sorry Come find me

I couldn’t sleep. I found myself sitting on the side of the bed, negotiating with the hurricane that had blown through my life. I made my way to an all-night diner for people like me who find themselves wide awake while everyone else sleeps. All members of a club with no name and only one rule, "Don't judge me and I won't judge you." I was in need of a gentle hand stroking my back.  I needed to hold someone and be held. I needed to spend time with someone who knew nothing about me and who wouldn't ask the questions everyone asks. I needed someone to stay without leaving and leave without staying. I needed a bright shade of blue upon my weeping, blank canvas. Two stools down the counter, sipping coffee and reading  an old messed up copy of “Beautiful Losers” by Leonard Cohen, sat a man with a face chiseled and shaped by the greatest artists of all time. He was wearing a white t-shirt, faded Levi's and Converse shoes. His arms were graced in tattoo

When I was a kid, my "happily ever after" (hereafter noted as "HEA") consisted of marrying my Ken doll (G.I. Joe was a close 2 nd ) and moving to Colorado where we would build a log home  without  a picket fence and have mountain children and a goat named Ed.     Then I went off to elementary school and when I was in that pivotal role of a 6 th  grader – not quite a child, not quite a teenager, I changed my mind and my HEA became  marrying a Veterinarian and having 5 dogs instead of 5 children and naming them Gus, Spade, Hank, Jack and Wilbur. High school came along and my HEA became me and my friends moving to California and living together in one of those houses by Venice Beach. We would run a taco stand on the boardwalk and play guitar and drink beer by a bonfire at night. Then I made my way to University and all my HEA became – "What am I going to do with my life and how am I ever going to be able to move out of my parent’s bas

Heartbreak is a scar that you carry around hidden beneath your sleeve but always visible in your eyes. No matter how much you grow or how many others you fall in love with, you never forget that one great, big heartbreak. And it’s not just your heart that breaks, it’s your mind as well.   You see life differently and everyone else you encounter thereafter is subjected to careful examination.  You put on a brave face at work all day but when you return home you find yourself struggling to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart that have fallen everywhere and nowhere. This break, this dark cloud dipping into your soul has brought you to your knees leaving you unable to sleep, think or eat. The pain so intense, you are convinced it cannot be tamed. But for the most part and as time goes on, the thoughts and images fade and the pain lessens. The heart begins to heal and blossom and you open it up for business once again. You realize that without a broke

When you lie on top of me You give me shelter When you kiss me You give me fire When you hold me You give me lightning When you love me You give me sun Love me Hold me Touch me Kiss me Never leave me And my heart will beat  Like… Thunder beneath your hands

We all have one. It’s someone you loved (whether or not they loved you back), still love and think of often. You carry them around with you everywhere and all throughout your life. You wonder if you will run into them at some obscure time for one intense moment and if you did, you wonder what you would say. You remember their face so clearly that you can see it whenever you search the back of your mind. Your life goes on and you share it with another and all of its complexities keep you busy and running but on a dark night while driving home or on a sleepy Sunday while hanging out on the couch; the memory of them seeps out from your pores and it brings all of the regrets, frustration, pain and happiness back in one mighty swoop. Sometimes you consider looking them up – finding them – calling them and seeing if you can be friends. You imagine yourself showing up on their doorstep and everything being okay and embracing in a warm hug. Other times you hope

When my husband and I met we were both younger, in better shape, somewhat more attractive and a lot less tired. We took the leap, the chance that all couples take and headed off into the horizon never looking back, always looking forward. That was 17 years ago and let me tell you, we had no idea what we were doing or what was coming our way. The thing is that none of us know what the future holds. Partners face all sorts of changes and challenges. One gets fat, one gets thin, one gets sicker, one gets healthier, one gets richer, one gets poorer and so on. So what is the glue that affixes us to one another no matter how many negative forces try to pull us apart? Here is what I can tell you. When I have something I need to talk about, he listens. When I have been sick, he has been there to support me, hold me and motivate me to scrap it out. We do little things together like he cooks brunch on sleepy Sunday mornings while I read to him from the UK edition of Men's Esquire.