Life is Your Story

I'm feeling 50 - I mean I am feeling it everywhere. I'm tired. I'm squinting. I say "oye" all the time. "Oye!" I'm trying to remember what foreplay is but all I can think of it as eating a bag of Miss Vickie's Salt Vinegar chips before watching Shark Tank (which I watch and shout out "I had that idea - I had that idea - damn!") I've lost my taste for food that has any taste because gas is a stark reality of feeling 50 so best to avoid it (the gas). I eat mostly bread and toast (which is bread toasted) and I usually find the time to fit in some danish or other bakery type product (which is delicious). I use to work out every day - I mean intense works outs. Now I get on the elliptical and my knee says "Oh don't do it - don't do it." And what on earth is happening to my neck? There are lines and creases and the skin is like butter - you hear me? Like butter!" I would cover it all up with a b...

First of all, I am not 18 or even close. I am 50 "something" but  when i was 17 - going down south meant going to Florida and when I was 18 going down south meant.....never mind. And now? Well now it means my entire body is going down south and I am pretty sure I am slowly shrinking (which is disturbing given I am only 5'1" and I don't believe in "hemming" jeans however I do believe in taking a pair of scissors and cutting them crooked). I use to look in the mirror and the reflection was average to good. Now I look in the mirror and hear my late, great, grandma Mary saying "OYE" (which is Yiddish for "Oye"). Do you want to hear the truth? Sure you do - here it is... You look in the mirror. If you gained weight - you will look heavier. If you lost weight - you will look thinner. If you rarely sleep, you will have bags under your eyes. If you took too much sun you will have lines and freckles on your face. If you have s...