CONFESSIONS OF A WOMAN DATING NETFLIX

I did not expect to be single at this stage of life but I have found a way around it and highly recommend it to anyone in my position.

Don’t get me wrong – being alone mid-life is not an easy pill to swallow. Many deep thoughts have traversed through my slightly tangled and wondrous mind: 

Maybe I should have stopped after the fifth tattoo.

Maybe baseball caps should no longer be a permanent fixture in my vast and glorious wardrobe. 

Maybe I should have listened to my mother and married that accountant.

Maybe I should have ditched my graphic T's and button fly Levis for a dress - although there would be no real point to that (other than giving my mother a sliver of hope) because I would still be wearing my Levis under the dress.

Yep I was digging real deep until one miraculous Saturday - I met Netflix and we started dating.

We didn’t meet on Tinder or Bumble – there were no swipes or hook ups or need for geo tracking. Nope none of that - for just $10 - I found Netflix and Netflix found me.

So far, the relationship is ideal.

I arrive home from work, take out the pooch, wrap my wrap (rice, cheese, guacamole - maybe I should have learned how to cook) and Netflix is right there waiting for me.

And after a long day of doing everything to avoid talking to people (maybe I should have become more extraverted), I don't have to worry about Netflix asking me about my day or giving me lip because I forgot to make the bed (first of all I did not forget to make the bed - I just did not make the bed - maybe I should start making the bed).

Netflix never plays hard to get or any games for that matter - I can date Netflix and binge for an entire weekend and Netflix will still email me the next day.

Netflix starts every email with “Hi Lisa” – how great is that (actually it would be great if I could get Netflix to call me Babe because no one calls me Babe anymore)? Then Netflix informs me of what we may be doing on our next date simply by suggesting a movie or series I may like and I get to choose.

If it was up to my mother – in her words I would be “doing my hair and putting on an outfit” so I could meet someone. Well Mom - Netflix doesn’t care what I look like and no one other than Hilary Clinton wears “outfits” any more (Hilary Clinton has not approved of this message).

      
 And now for a commercial break - Netflix is searching for the woman in this photo. We are dating and sometimes she leaves me to take selfies with dogs (I am not sure what else she does). If you see her - step back slowly and softly announce that Jason Bateman is writing another season of Ozark. I believe this is the only way to get her home. She recently stopped reading my emails because I refused to call her "Babe".

If you are wondering - what is wrong me? How can I admit to this? Where is my pride (or common sense)? Well the thing about being middle aged is you stop caring about what everyone thinks and you realize that the truth is the only way to go (and that truth is that your entire body is heading south).

And to sum it all up (are you still there?) - Here’s a filmstrip for you – it’s black and white – you are on this bus and you’ve been on it for a long time – it pulls up to a diner in the desert – the bus unloads – there’s a bathroom break – a cup of coffee – a piece of pie and a waitress named Mabel – the bus driver announces the departure – everyone marches back onto the bus and you are about to do so, when a stray dog covered in dust approaches. He has a twinkle in his eye and you feel as though you have known him in another lifetime.

He says “Are you sure you want to get back on that bus?”.

You realize that you don’t because the people on that bus are people you no longer want or need in your life. They have failed you – they have hurt you – and it’s time for a change.

The bus departs and you are left standing in the desert. The dog nudges you toward some place you have never been. 

And there you go - you've got your dusty, desert dog - you've got your strength and resilience, you're a woman who doesn't wear outfits or give a Sh** and Jack has assured you that wherever you are going - they have Netflix.