Why More Women Should Shake Their Booty Like I Shake Mine
Let’s be
clear on this – I have no booty. I wear men’s “Low Waist Levi’s” and I don’t
have a waist.
My pants
therefore fall down. I wear belts but they are of little use – sort of like carrying
a goldfish home from the pet store in a plastic bag – that’s not what the bag
is for and that’s not where the fish is supposed to live and that has no
relevance to anything I am saying.
Here are
the Top 9 (couldn’t think of 10) Tips on how you can shake your booty like I shake mine and I strongly advise you do not follow any of these suggestions.
9 – Ditch
those big leather purses with the studs and giant zippers and put on a
knapsack. It fits conveniently on your back and you can carry it without
carrying it. Also you can fit a lot in it because of its depth and you can even
have a water bottle handy.
8 – Stop
with the make-up, most especially the lip liner and the lip stick. It’s a mess.
It ends up all over your coffee cup and other people’s faces when you kiss
them. Your kids have to wipe it off like when relatives kiss them
with all that spit and saliva and bad breath oozing from their orifices. Simply
rub some Vaseline Cocoa Radiant Lotion into your pores and your skin will
glisten with delight.
7 – The
most important items in your wardrobe should not be dresses or skirts or panty
hose (those are just awful especially the way the feel at the waist – it’s like
those bean bags you wore in bean bag races – you wanted to drop them but you
couldn’t until you reached the finish line (and that makes no sense whatsoever
in the context of # 7 which we are now on). That’s right the most important
items are graphic Ts, Hoodies (Are those great or what and they come with
hoods?), Levis red tab button downs (you bet), Blundstones (thank you Australia
for these incredibly comfortable and great looking boots and for Keith Urban
and The Great Barrier Reef), and a wonderfully fitting cotton exercise bra
(keeping things on one level).
6 – What’s
with all the brown and black hair – get some pink or orange or something funky
going while you still can. There are so many colours out there to try and think
of it this way – you’ll be doing your lover a great favour because it will be
like sleeping with a different woman every week. I’ve gone all over the rainbow
– sporting a little reddish pinkish right now and I look fabulous.
5 – Your
perfume is too strong - you are wearing way too much of it. Everyone wants to tell
you this especially your co-workers but they don’t know how so I am putting it
out there and helping them and helping you and helping anyone breathing in the
same air. Once again, just lather up with Vaseline and be on your way.
4 – Stop
wearing glasses unless you actually have a prescription to wear glasses and you
therefore need to wear glasses. At some point someone decided to sport some
really large glasses as a fashion statement and then their friends decided to
do the same and now I am so confused because all of these people are walking
around wearing glasses and I can’t tell who is supposed to be wearing them and
who isn’t and I find that troublesome.
3 – How can
you possibly walk around in those heels? Do you realize how bad they are for
your back, your ankles, your knees, and your entire lower body? Put on some
sneakers or some Aussie boots I see you wearing them in the winter in the
snow. What on earth are you thinking? Is it really worth cracking your ankle or
falling into one of the broken bursting Montreal underground pipes or potholes
that we pay to have repaired with our taxes that are higher than any other
province.
2- Stop
wearing jewelry that weighs more than a garbage truck. I have seen you with
earrings that are heavier than a set of Janitor keys and necklaces that hang
lower than breasts that are not in an exercise bra. Take all of that gear off –
you’re not going into battle – you’re just going to work or to drop your kid
off at folk dancing. Get yourself a nice delicate chain and go to the nearest
Tattoo parlour for a set of permanent titanium studs and while you are at get a
few more holes pierced to go with your pink hair.
And the #1
Fabulous Tip That I Offer you free of charge on how you can shake your booty like I shake mine...
Remember
when you were 3 yrs. old and your mother dressed you in all these different
outfits and you really didn’t care what you were wearing because for the most
part you just wanted to tear it off and run around naked? You didn’t care what
you looked like because the only reason you ever looked in the mirror was to
check what your twin was up to (which was really your reflection unless of
course you had a twin). You probably weren’t even sure if you were a boy or a
girl or if you liked boys or girls or both and all you wanted to do was have fun and yell and scream and sing
and laugh and dance and meet Kermit the Frog.
Well
actually that has nothing to do with #1 – so here is #1:
1 – Go ahead
and LET IT ALL HANG OUT because sooner
or later it’s all going to hang and when it does you are going to want to shake
your booty like I shake mine.
Thank You –
KC & The Sunshine Band for the song– the Late Very Kind Larry Wexler for my first pair of Levi's – Mark Zuckerberg
for always wearing a Hoodie even though you can afford a suit – my mother for accepting me for who I am and sewing me a ballet outfit even though i tripped and fell during recital and lastly to Vaseline (for so many reasons).
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