I Met a Man in a Beer Fridge and This is What Happened

This is a true story and it is fascinating. 

I went to the grocery store. I was in the mood for some Beck's non alcoholic beer (is there any other kind?). I am always hesitant to walk into those beer fridges because I don't know is someone is hiding behind a box of Beck's non alcoholic beer or if the door will lock, leaving me trapped.

 So I go in and it’s cold because it’s a fridge. I make my way around the maze of crates and boxes and then I smell cologne and I don’t wear cologne so I know its not me. 

Then this large man (anyone is large compared to me) comes around the bend and smiles and says,

“What are you looking for little lady?”

and I say...

“It’s a beer fridge – I’m looking for beer.”

He smiles, pats me on the back – which is strange because we are face to face.

I find my Beck’s beer, smile on the inside and then I turn around and the cologne guy is right up in my face. I am suddenly afraid and then to make things worse (worse than being alone in a giant cold fridge with a stranger who is close talking me).

       

He puts his arm around me and walks me out of the fridge sort of like we are going down the wedding aisle, except my family is not in the front row, there is no little kid throwing flowers at people with flower allergies and there is no song playing “our song” that we would be dancing to while all of our friends and family watch on and wonder “When are they going to stop dancing to this song and serve us some food?”

Then I imagine meeting his family (whom I have never met because they were not in the beer fridge) and my future mother-in-law, who based upon a past mother-in-law, would be a real treat! She would speak in a different language and Siri would translate what she says, which would be, "Only an idiot would marry someone they met in a beer fridge."

Back to reality, my beer fridge husband and I exit the fridge, he kisses my cheek and we go our separate ways.

I pay, I leave, I return home, I get cozy on the couch and turn on Netflix. My dog is sniffing me extra intensely and I realize he smells the beer fridge man's cologne.

I wonder “Will I ever return to that grocery store beer fridge?” and if so “Will he be there waiting for me?”

And as I reflect on that deep thought, I realize that this whole beer fridge experience has been way too overwhelming.

So I pour myself a Beck's and feel that buzz that I can’t feel (because there is no alcohol) but that I pretend to feel so I can float off into oblivion and decide on a wedding song to dance to with my new fridge husband.

And there sits my mother in the first row (Wondering, where did I go wrong with this one?).

She shakes her head and waves her swollen, arthritic finger and says:

“I’m not paying for this wedding."

Cheers and please don't drink and drive - unless you are drinking Beck's 0%