CONFESSIONS of a MIDDLE AGED WOMAN WHO WEARS PREPARTION H ON HER FACE

Over the course of the past few years I have noticed that I am aging and I have come to the conclusion that this is happening because I am aging.

And with this highly anticipated joyful life event my face is slowly slipping and sliding and large puffy pillows have formed under my eyes. These are most apparent when I awake in the morning fresh and waiting to start a new day.

This is my Confession - please do not share it with anyone else.

I’m middle aged.

I’m forgetting everything including what I have forgotten.

I am always tired and when I’m not I’m tired.

My once flat stomach is in a constant state of bloatation (and I am prone to making up words).

But by far the most visible sign of my ship sinking are those bags under my eyes and the lines that crisscross and align over their peaks.

Thankfully I have the world at my hands and more than enough information on any subject whatsoever on the very happy and busy planet of Google.

So I searched “How to get rid of bags under eyes” and of the 5 million results (I only read half of them), a source unknown to me that may very well be a 12 year old with their own Blog called: "Stuff I put on my face” suggested that I rub Preparation H into my baggy sacks. You see Preparation H has anti-inflammatory properties so apparently if I rub it in well enough and often enough, eventually my bags will decompress and I will look like I am in my 30s again – okay my 40s.

I was so excited because I happened to have some Preparation H in the medicine cabinet at home (and so do you). I squeezed the ointment out in generous anti-aging portions and rubbed the greasy substance into the pillows on my face and then I went to bed.

Later that night I awoke to an itchy, burning feeling (on my face) and so I made my way to the bathroom, opened the light and there in the mirror was what appeared to be my face, with a red rash under both of my eyes (it was my face).

I instantly grabbed my laptop and did the only sensible thing; I returned to the planet of Google and searched “How to get rid of a rash on the bags under my eyes caused by Preparation H”

Now if you go ahead and search this (really go ahead I’ll wait), here is what you will find in the first 5 results:

·         Does Preparation H work for bags and dark circles under eyes?

·         Rid bags under eyes – Lots more information.

·         How to use Preparation H for dark circles.

·         How can I get rid of dark circles under my eyes?

And then suddenly I realized I had it wrong this whole time. There was an entire other use for Preparation H that I had not yet discovered.

I could use it for the dark circles under my eyes. Forget the bags – they’re just bags after all but circles well that’s a whole other story.

With that Google plethora of staggering, life changing advice, I placed some Preparation H on the dark circles that were either above or underneath the bags (I couldn’t tell) and went back to sleep knowing that the very next morning not only would I have a rash, bags and dark circles on my face but I would look older, like if Tommy Lee Jones  and Willie Nelson, had a baby.

Moral of the story: Use Preparation H for what you’re supposed to use it for and accept the fact that you are aging, and there will be bags, there will be circles, but you are still fabulous.