I'm feeling 50 - I mean I am feeling it everywhere.
I say "oye" all the time.
I'm trying to remember what foreplay is but all I can think of it as eating a bag of Miss Vickie's Salt Vinegar chips before watching Shark Tank (which I watch and shout out "I had that idea - I had that idea - damn!")
I've lost my taste for food that has any taste because gas is a stark reality of feeling 50 so best to avoid it (the gas). I eat mostly bread and toast (which is bread toasted) and I usually find the time to fit in some danish or other bakery type product (which is delicious).
I use to work out every day - I mean intense works outs. Now I get on the elliptical and my knee says "Oh don't do it - don't do it."
And what on earth is happening to my neck? There are lines and creases and the skin is like butter - you hear me? Like butter!"
I would cover it all up with a bandanna but then I would start looking like Willy Nelson and that would be unfair to Willy.
Sneezing or laughing has become the prequel to an unwanted sequel. So I have been doing my kegel exercises which aren't that bad because you don't have to go to gym to work out that muscle. You can do your kegels while talking to someone, while reading and while...never mind.
I need to get away from it all. I want that job on Survivor - you know when there is a challenge and Jeff is explaining to the hot, sweaty, starving, exhausted players how to do the challenge - hold this ball in your hand, jump over that boulder, grab a bean sack, throw it at ... (the players are like "Are you kidding? Feed me - get me a shower and toilet paper and a toilet.")
I don't even understand the instructions and I'm sitting on my Lazyboy (you bet - all the way back) eating nachos.
Yeah so I want to apply to be one of the people that is filmed showing how to complete the challenge. I'm perfect for the job (not at all - I can't crawl, climb, jump or solve a puzzle) and I get to stay at the hotel and have a drink with an umbrella in it.
Save a Dog and a Dog will save You
I also have no patience for absolutely anyone or anything. I am fed up and I'm tired and I'm not interested in what anyone thinks - don't leave your carriage in the middle of the grocery store aisle - don't cut me off on the road so you can race to the next red light where I will give you a very dirty look - don't fart in the gym (cause at first we are not sure if it is a fart so we give it another whiff and that leads to great dismay and possibly the end of the workout).
I liked my 30s the best. So much happens in your 30s. If you are fortunate you find a life partner or an awesome lover. You may purchase your first house and have children of your own or become a step parent (which by the way is just as meaningful and there is no "step" if you do it right).
You hope for your parents to remain healthy and happy and to be there for all the special moments. Your career is making strides. You feel like you have time - time to enjoy, to love, to think and to be with those who mean the most to you in this life.
By the time we reach our 50s everything has been laid out on the table - the good - the bad. Chances are you have experienced great losses in family members, in life partners who did not turn out to be for life, dogs and cats who stole your heart and left you way too soon and you may have transitioned into a second career you never saw coming.
It's a time to gather the remnants of our lives thus far and to focus on the happy moments while dusting ourselves off from the painful ones.
You start to accept wherever you have landed. You miss those who have departed. You want the best for your children. You realize how important health is and how quickly that can change.
You open the door to those who love and respect you and are there for you through thick and thin and you close the door to the ones who left you behind.
That's feeling 50.