Sep 6, 2011
Seinfeld Episode Kramer Gyro Subway (stick with me)
I took the metro today (known as subway for my American readers - yes I have American readers as well as those from Romania, Japan and other far off places and I have no idea why but I thank you - all of you).
I like it. It's fast, convenient and fairly safe (always keep your knapsack in front of you like a baby in one of those kangaroo pouch things - if you carry a purse - not only do I question why you carry a purse ever - I suggest you leave it at home).
I often notice people sleeping on the metro. I wonder if they miss their stops or if they just look like they are sleeping but they are really awake with their eyes closed (it's possible - I know). I wonder what they are thinking. I imagine something like this..
Unidentified Person A - What am I going to eat for dinner tonight? Should I stop at Thai Noodles (this is not an endorsement, just based on personal experience) or should I pick up something at the grocery store. Naa.. I don't feel like going to the store and waiting in line with all those other people who are waiting in line and just want to go home and put on their sweats or bathrobe and use their own toilet and collapse on the couch. Hey, maybe I'll go to that Deli with those great wraps and I'll get the one that is actually a Caesar's salad disguised as a wrap (croutons and all and they are crunchy not soggy). What's that smell? Is that me?
Unidentified Person B - I hate my job. I hate my life. I hate this metro.
Unidentified Woman - I think that guy over there is looking at me. Yep he is looking at me.
Unidentified Man - I think that girl over there is looking at me. Yep she is looking at me.
Unidentified Man referring to the other Unidentified Man - I think that guy over there is looking at me.
I tend to stand and hang on to one of those silver poles. Sometimes I dare myself to perform a stripper pole dance (is there any other kind?) just to see how people react. Then I realize that I look like a 14 year old boy and it probably won't be as funny as I think.
I'm not sure if you ever saw that Seinfeld episode where Elaine and Kramer are taking the subway and Kramer decides he is going to run and grab a gyro while the subway stops to let people off and on. He just makes it but his arm gets caught (the one holding the gyro) and another guy grabs it and Kramer gets left behind.
I thought I would give it a try so I got off at a stop that has a Gryo stand (doesn't even exist) and I ran to get my Gyro while the metro remained open to people switching over from another line. The Gyro man worked intensely fast and he even sold "Frills gum" (purple, popular in the 70s, gum, tastes like Vaseline or Noxema - I would know).
I gave him a 10 and raced back to the metro and I MADE IT.
Only problem was that in a rush to empty my knapsack in search of my wallet, I left my phone on the gyro counter (that does not exist - I mean the gyro counter - the phone exists).
So my mission had actually failed because I had to get off the metro at the next stop and take one the other way and while running for that one, I dropped my Gyro on the ground (forget the 3 second rule on that one).
So I had really bad breath, a purple tongue from the Frills gum, my phone was not there when I arrived and I was already burping up the onions.
And even worse - I lost my metro card so I had to ask some guy for $3 to get me back on the system and you know what he said... "I'll give you $3 if you promise to do a pole dance on the metro."
And you know what I said, "You must be really desperate because I look like a malnourished 14 yr old boy with way too many hair dye jobs and a really bad fashion consultant"
So there I was riding the metro while riding the pole and everyone except for my "sponsor" was not clapping or placing dollar bills (which don't exist here in Canada) in my torn Levis pocket.
Right there and then I decided that like most ideas I have had - this was a very bad one - not the pole dancing - the getting off the metro to grab a gyro.
I will never do that again.
I am however booked on at least 3 metro lines for pole dancing next week.
Hey it pays $3 per dance - not only is that enough for a gyro, it's enough for a whole platter.
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